2004-06-04, 11:29 a.m.

Existential Identity Crises-R-Us

When I was still in grad school I decided that I was going to win a Macarthur within 7 years. That would be the Macarthur Foundation Genius Award, which is awarded annually to a number of people in various artistic pursuits, and involves a heck of a lot of money. Now that I have Leon, I've had to reevaluate my time table. Just to be safe, I'm now giving myself until I'm 80. So now I've got 47 years to prove to myself that I haven't failed as an artist.

That's the problem right now - I'm struggling with an incredible personal inertia born of motherhood, which leads to a sense that maybe I have failed myself as an artist. A year ago I had just graduated with my MFA, and the plan was to spend all my free time working on new sculpture ideas, ones that had been swimming around in the back of my head, that I hadn't been able to focus on while finishing my Art Ed minor. I was going to get good slides made, start sending stuff to every interesting looking gallery on earth, and hopefully get into a show or two. I was going to build my show resume, and try to get adjunct professor work at the college level, and eventually be a real contendor for decent college jobs, which would allow me to have a studio, teach interested students, live in a nice place, raise a couple of kids...

And then I got pregnant, and had 5 months of nausea. I still managed to do a little work on some sculptures, but in all honesty the life of an artist just totally slipped away. I didn't go to galleries or museums. All I did was lay on the couch and deal with my weird body. I was able to get a little work done during the later months, but my focus was really on the baby to come. And then, of course, Leon was born, and my life became even less about me and my goals, unless you count getting sleep and taking a shower as 'my' goals.

Sometimes I really wish that I had not bothered with the Art Ed. I tell myself that if I'd been able to spend that last year and a half taking studio classes, instead of doing student teaching and taking the (incredibly badly taught) History of Education, I would have gotten a lot more sculpture made. I could have taken other classes, too, maybe printmaking, or brushed up on my mold making skills. I would have grown even more as an Artist, and made more work, which I could now be sending out to galleries. Instead all I have to show for myself is my thesis work, which generally gets rejected from galleries 'cause it's just too darn big (at least, that's what I tell myself), and makes me seriously wonder is I am in fact just a one-hit-wonder.

At the moment I don't even feel like I'll ever use my NYC/State Teaching Certification. I sort of could blame my parents - I know they felt much safer when I decided to do the Art Ed minor. Kind of like the kids in college who wanted to major in theatre, but double majored in psychology as well because of their parents' fears. But the fact is that sometimes I really do think that I love teaching, so it really was my decision to get the minor. I just get so much more out of actually making sculpture. Which brings me back to needing that Macarthur...

So now Leon is 11 weeks old, almost 3 months, and I'm starting to find space in my brain to think about things besides babies and sleep again. But not yet enough energy or space to know how to get back to a place of living in myself as an artist. It�s not that I need anyone to tell me that I�ve got plenty of time and that I�ll get there eventually, it�s only been a few months, this all will make me a better artist, etc, etc. I know all that. I am a smart and practical person who is basically self confident and self assured. (Clearly, I�m also not a particularly patient person.) And what I�m having trouble with is dealing with this feeling of frustration TODAY, and being too tired from having gone back to work this week and having had to organize schlepping both Leon and myself in and out of the city successfully, to have even part of the brain power necessary to get us out of the house today. Even just to return library books, or go downtown to pick up my new glasses. If I can't manage those simple things, how can I even figure out how to make art again??

That's a rhetorical question.

So I�m making lists, of little things I can do. 1. Find the name and phone number of the photographer who too slides of my work before. 2. Call and make an appointment. 3. Email the person who was supposed to send me a NYC Board of Ed fingerprinting kit 3 months ago, and let him know it never arrived. Little things, little steps. 4. Watch the rest of Sea Biscuit, so I can actually return it to the library. 5. Change Leon�s diaper.