2004-08-01, 11:27 a.m.

A few nights ago we were having a repeat of that fun (not) conversation in which I try to explain the convoluted reasons why I'm all stressed out, and in particular why I appear to have lost both my sense of humor and my emotional perspective. And C suddenly says that it seems like I'm not at all excited about getting married. And I suddenly realize that I don't feel like I have permission to be excited. I tell him that I feel like he's not excited, that I'm low on his list of priorities, and that we're just getting married because we have to for health insurance, and because it makes sense for practical reasons. And in a fabulous twist of second-wedding-panic, I tell him that my lack of excitement is in direct proportion to just how important this marriage and wedding actually are to me, because that's how afraid I am of fucking this up.

Then the DNC gets important, and we stop talking about us, because we are both also seriously concerned about the direction this country is headed, so we really want to hear the speeches. We agree that we'll talk more later, but that we probably won't have time again to focus on each other until Saturday. I'm feeling really sad, but I figure that a few days to think might at least help me find comprehensible words to express how I'm feeling.

After the speeches, C needs to take a shower, and I'm exhausted, so I tell him I'm going to bed. But before I can go he puts his hands on my shoulders, and smiles his wonderful, slightly unhumble smile that he gets when he's about to be incredibly witty, and says,

"My administration promises you breakfast on the table every morning. My administration promises you extra special breakfasts on the weekends." Still feeling wretched - after all, how is he going to still have time for me? - I say, "What about when you're in law school, and totally stressed out?" and he looks at me and repeats with conviction, "My administration promises you breakfast every morning." I smile. I'm feeling a little better. But he's not done yet, and he goes on, saying, "My administration promises that when you have a bad day you get to come home to someone who loves you and will help make you feel better. And my administration promises that you will have as few bad days as possible."

Oh, my. I'm floored, and a little weepy, because once again C has managed to completley turn my emotional state upside down, to reassure me and tell me how much he loves me, without having to resort to just parroting words he thinks I want to hear. Instead, he gives me what I need to hear. To paraphrase a friend of mine, a man who will wring romance out of a political convention for my sake is definitely worth getting excited about (insert foolishly/happily grinning image of me, here).

Of course, I'm still finding new things to panic about - like, what if something happens to C and he doesn't get to see Leon grow up? (Okay, so we just watched Cold Mountain last night...) That concept almost breaks my heart, and it's silly to obsess over things I really and truly CAN NOT control, but that's the one I'm wrestling with today.

But at least now I feel like it's okay that I'm really ridiculously excited about marrying this man.