Older entries
|
2004-07-08, 4:39 p.m. Fear and Loathing in the Serials Office I am feeling so rotten today that I can barely stand myself. First, this: I have a sense of self hatred and shame about fat and my body, and it just sucks. I'm fairly certain that I have no real sense of objectivity, at all. Some days I can see that I'm doing just fine in my very slow postpartum weight loss, but many days I feel like I must be a lazy awful slob to still not be back to my pre-pregnancy weight. NOT a good feeling. I was overweight until I was 25, then changed my life and lifestyle and got really strong and healthy and fit, and felt really attractive for the first time in my life. But deep down I still think of myself as an overweight person, and now that I'm post-pregnancy (post-40 lb gain, and a total loss of in-shape-ness), I am really struggling with the shameful feeling that the last 5 years were an aberration, and that I am going to live the rest of my life fat and ugly. Ok, on some levels I KNOW I'm not actually fat and ugly. But I just don't actually believe that - deep down I believe that people tell me I'm not fat and ugly because they just like me, and they only think I'm lovely the way I am because they like me, but secretly I really am a fat slob. And the irony is that I know some women who have not lost all their pregancy weight, either, and I think they're absolutely beautiful, physically, and I look at their baby weight and honestly say, "So what! It will come off eventually, and it doesn't make you any less beautiful!" And not just because I like them. Like I said, no personal objectivity. Then this: I don't want to make new friends. I like the friends I have. They know me, and they love me. Most of all, they understand who I am. They know that I'm good with my hands, that I actually do have some serious artistic talent. They respect my opinions, they know that I'm not the best at diplomacy, but if you need advice on how to handle something with honesty, I'm your girl. Most of my friends here in New York are people I've known for 10 years. And frankly, I'm not that good at meeting new people. I get nervous, and I talk too much. I come off as a know it all and pushy, and I end up feeling like a jerk, and I think, "why would anyone want to know me?"And best of all, this: I haven't been able to work on any serious sculpture for a year, and it's making me crazy. I can continue to come to terms with not working on any sculpture for the rest of the summer - there's just too much going on. But if we're looking for an apartment in Ann Arbor and we're not actively making studio space as much of a priority as, say, laundry facilities, then we're basically saying that I won't have a studio in Michigan. And that's just not okay. I have to keep reminding both myself and Christopher that this is a priority, that this has a lot to do with why I'm unhappy right now.Oh yeah, and this: My job bores the hell out of me, but when I��m not here I get overwhelmingly depressed by the feeling that I have nothing in my life that means anything significant, outside of loving Leon and Christopher. Which brings me back to the previous issue - desperately needing a studio.So today is NOT a good day.
|