2004-05-02, 7:58 p.m.

I am MOM

The last few days have wrought a change in our boy - suddenly it is clear that he really wants and needs his mom. And that's me.

When I went to the store this morning to buy eggs, he was asleep. Christopher was cooking breakfast. Everything seemed under control. When I got back 10 minutes later, I heard wailing as I came up the apartment stairs. Apparently, Leon had woken up, sensed I was gone, and become extremely upset. Christopher says that several times Leon heard noises downstairs, and stopped wailing because thought that he heard me coming back, but when I didn't appear, he started right back up again.

He wakes up and cries, and I pick him up, and he's happy again. As long as I don't wait until he's at a fevered pitch, he calms down quickly - it takes longer if he's worked himself up into high gear. He doesn't necessarily need a clean diaper, or to be fed, he just wants mom. The whole way in which he snuggles into my arms is different now - it's a conscious act of feeling safe and secure. It's the snuggle of a small child who has what he wants, who is contented.

I have never in my life been this vital, this important, this crucial to anyone or anything. I have never been the rock and the anchor, the port in the storm, that I suddenly have become for my child.

After Leon was born, I found that I wondered why he would love me, whether he would love me, and how I would know if he did love me. Now I know. For whatever crazy reason, Leon loves me like he loves nothing else in this world. It is the most awesome (in the original sense of the word) feeling. It is humbling beyond belief. And, of course, it is completely terrifying.

I asked Christopher if he felt jealous, and he said absolutely not. Then I told Christopher not to worry, because in 3 or 4 years Leon will worship him above all others. Ha. So there.