2004-06-17, 12:02 p.m.

I am a sensitive and stubborn mama, and I am not ashamed.

So much I could write about, but the thing that's foremost in my mind is this:

Listening to the 9/11 commission hearings makes me really, really sad. Sort of as if almost 3 years haven't actually passed.

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We went to the pediatrician yesterday, and Leon now weighs 13 lbs, 3 oz. He's huge! Well, not really, but that's a lot more weight gain then I had expected. Christopher almost called it exactly - he had predicted 13 lbs, 2 oz, and I had been sure he was totally over estimating. Leon is also now 23 3/4 inches long, and his head grew from 32 to 38 cm.

No shots this week, but the pediatrician did kind of bully me about getting him on a more specific sleep schedule, and not feeding him right before bed. This would apparently be to prevent Leon from associating my breasts with sleep, and become unable to sleep without them. So what am I supposed to do about the fact that he falls asleep nursing at night? Apparently, not put him to bed at that point. No, I'm supposed to give him a bath and then put him in his bed, or some other established routine. But doesn't that mean he's just as likely to become unable to go to sleep without a bath? The pediatrician also said that he should be sleeping longer stretches at night, and that when he wakes up we should to try to let him fuss himself back to sleep, instead of picking him up and nursing him. But Leon's room is our room, and we all sleep about 3 feet apart, even when he is in his own bed... More on that, later.

Okay, so I'm slightly annoyed at the pediatrician, even though I know there is wisdom in what she says. It would be nice to be getting more/better sleep ourselves. And of course every new parent struggles with the cliched trauma and guilt of 'letting the baby cry'. But he's only 3 months old!, I yell to myself. He's doing fine, if it ain't broke don't fix it, etc, etc!

The fact is, I don't like being told what to do, when I don't feel like there's a real problem. Leon is making progress on the sleeping front, and has been learning to put himself to sleep (during the day, especially, while we're at work) without nursing. And frankly, there are just times when he's hungry and sleepy, and so what's wrong with letting him nurse, then fall asleep? I'm getting good at knowing the difference between the hungry and the sleepy cries, I can tell what he needs, gosh darn it!

So, gritting my metaphorical teeth and muttering under my proverbial breath, I nursed Leon at about 9pm, and after he fell asleep, I woke him up and took him in the shower with me. Then Christopher dried him off and put him in his own bed. We were about ready to go to bed too, so we turned out the lights, and got in bed. I read out loud for a little while, using the book light, (so that the bedroom stayed dark). Leon fussed a little, but Christopher put the pacifier in his mouth, and they both fell asleep by 10pm. So far so good, and I went to sleep too, with plenty of room in the bed, and no little body keeping me and Christopher from actually sleeping together. Aaahhhhhh, nice.

At about 2am, Leon woke up and fussed. I was so excited that he had slept for 4 hours, that he had gone to sleep relatively on his own, that I forgot that I was supposed to try to let him fuss himself back to sleep. Ooops. I had half picked him up before Christopher said, "I thought you were supposed to leave him". I tried to put Leon back down, but he was having none of THAT, and broke into full fledged wail. Ah well. So we nursed in bed, and about an hour later he was completely asleep again. So I veeery gingerly put him back into his own bed (a first!), where he slept happily for the next two hours, until 5am. This time, I did try to let him just fuss, but after 10 minutes he was getting pretty worked up, and I just wasn't into the whole thing. So I brought him back into bed with us, and we stayed there for the nest of the night.

So, even though I'm feeling good about the realtive successes of this experiement, I'm still a little grumpy about the whole thing. Sure, we'll try again tonight - the nurse/bathe/bed routine actually feels pretty good to me. But I'm not making any promises on the 'let him fuss himself back to sleep' front. You try listening to your own baby sob 'cause he's hungry, knowing that you don't plan to pick him up as soon as you finish the dishes. I don't care how necessary it may be, it still sucks.