2004-08-02, 11:51 a.m.

Good Morning NYC

I haven't seen state troopers in the city since September 11th, but this morning there they were, standing in the shopping underpass of Penn Station. Big burly guys in Canadian Mounties style hats, all dressed in that weird putty color they wear, with semi automatic pistols on their belts. That, more than anything else in our new state of Orange Alert, has me a little weirded out.

I've become depressingly accustomed to the National Guard being everywhere, and frankly, they do seem to be everywhere. But the NG people, even in their combat fatigues and with their huge riffles, always look so young, like they're just playing at being soldiers. C and I have had that discussion, several times, about what the hell it is that they're actually supposed to be able to do in the case of an emergency. And we've come to the conclusion that they're mostly just for show. Remember the guy who started the fire on the subway car in Seoul last year? Shooting him wouldn't have stopped his fire. Having guardsmen and women on a platform won't stop panicked commuters from trampling each other trying to get through the turnstiles. But it's a weird thing to see the State Troopers again. It just takes me right back to those first few days and weeks after 9/11, and that's a seriously unsettled feeling.

Last night C and I were talking about this new security alert and scare possibility. We're so used to being on orange alert, what are we supposed to do? We usually don�t even think about it anymore ?what �s the point? Still, we're really hoping that our luck holds, that whatever mixture of fate and coincidence and national security organization that has kept us and the people we love safe living in this city, continues to do so. And to reassure ourselves, we talk about it logically, statistically; we remind each other that the actual possibility of anything terrorist related happening to either of us is quite tiny, and that the biggest weapon any terrorist has is fear.

And yet I found myself almost in a panic last night, thinking of how powerless I will be if something does happen on my subway train or in the neighborhood where I work. It's not that I'm afraid for my own safety - after all, nothing is really any different today than it has been compared to all the other days we've lived here during past 3 years. But now we have Leon. And so I find myself sitting on the train and wondering, if something happens, how do I protect him? What can I actually do? Throw my arms around him, run to another car, turn my back? Would he scream or cry if something happened? For the first time in my life there is someone for whom I would absolutely, unthinkingly, throw myself in harms way - for whom I would unthinkingly do pretty much anything - to protect. But I have no idea how. It�s the kind of thing that you really can�t think on too long, or you start to lose your mind.